12/14/06
 

Why do I do this?

... Because I can! That's why!... jokes ^_^
 

Well honestly, it's a simple reason. Or reasons. One, I love performing. I was a wacky kid. A weird kid. So to compensate for that, I was always showing off and doing crazy acrobatic moves. I love to generate "ooo's" and "ahhh's" from everyone from my family, my friends, to strangers on the street. But it also helps to forget about the bad times and the emotional pain. I can take physical pain easy, but when it comes to feelings and shit, it's hard to handle sometimes. Performing and doing crazy stunts separated me from emotional stress. Yeah, I'm emo.

I was never well liked when I was a kid and I was picked on a lot. A lot of fucked up shit. In fact, I didn't like myself for a while when I was growing up. Sometimes I still don't. Depends what happens in life. What kept me in good spirits for the past seven years was making these movies, performing in them and in plays, and reading and hearing comments from strangers and acquaintances all over the world. It makes me believe that I'm actually liked for once. That I have something to offer and that I'm not a pathetic human being.

Today my gymnastics teacher at Grossmont College asked me if I could bring my human bio video project (Body Dynamics) to class so she could show it to everyone after the final. Only a few people in the class of 40 knew what I did outside of school. After they watched it, a number of them came up to me and told me they liked it and thought it was really good. The look on their faces was endearing. I always thought that they didn't like me cause I was always laughing and being silly, and always trickbusting on the floor all the time. Also, my teacher never knew I did this kind of stuff so she was in complete awe and said all these nice things. Those comments really lifted my spirits. I humbly thanked them because I don't really know what else to say other than thanks. I didn't want to come off as a cocky asshole, no.

I always enjoy it when people message me on this here internet as well. It brightens my day and makes me feel better about of myself. Most of you who have seen my movies see the characters I play. I'm not so much like them, but more of a simultaneously depressed and happy bastard. It's complicated, I know. What can I say, I'm a true Gemini. But anyways, I love it when people tell me that I inspired them, made them smile, or that I made their day a good one just by watching one of my newest movies. That's what it's all about right there. Making the world smile; I like that. To me that's the best thing that comes out of making these movies.

You, the viewers, gave me the ability to like myself for once, and gave me the confidence to go out and talk to the ladies, do even more crazy stunts, and to ultimately chase my dreams. For that I can't thank you enough. I just wish there was something I could do for you all to show you my limitless appreciation. You've all given me the will to press on in this life.

Take care everyone,
Jay

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